How do you do it?

I have been filling out the paperwork and enrollment forms for Jackson's childcare.  There are so many questions and information you need to provide which I think is great.  They want to know all kinds of things about your child and where they are developmentally.  I will be going to the daycare in the next couple of weeks for Jackson to meet the teachers and to go over all of the things I need to provide (like formula, diapers, clothing, crib sheets, etc).  I am getting nervous and so sad.  My maternity leave and bonding time is almost over.  Four more weeks.  Where did this time go?

I am excited to get back to work and to have more "brain" activity.  I'm not sure my personality is built to be a stay at home mom.  I need activity, I need to use my brain, and I need to get out of the house (not that you can't do these things with a child).  But the thought of being away from my little guy every day makes me want to burst into tears.  How do you do it?

That first morning when I drop him off, I know I will sob the entire drive into work.  Note to self: Bring make up so I can reapply when I get to the office.  I know he will be well cared for and it will do nothing to break the bond I have with him.  I have just spent every day of the past eight weeks with him and will do the same for the next four.  While there were many days, especially at the beginning that were excruciating, to not be with him all day will be so hard. I won't see the things he does everyday.  I won't hear his little noises and coos.  I won't be able to just watch him sleep.  I will miss him terribly.

I also know it will be good  for him.  He will begin socializing with other babies and adults.  He will have structured activity and sleep time.  This is good.  Just how do you easily leave your child with people you don't know? 

And then by the time I pick him up, he will need to eat, be played with a little, and then it will be time for bed.  Not much time.  When do M and I fit dinner in?  Will the dog get walked?  Will I be able to cook?  I'm not sure how I can do it all.  And the morning.  Do I get up earlier to get myself ready and then the baby up, fed, and clothed?  Or do I just change him and leave the feeding up to daycare?  I guess it depends on when he wakes up.  I realize M can help but with his job, it is almost impossible.  That's another story all on it's own.  When do I clean my house?  Weekends?  I don't want to.  I am going to want to spend as much time as I can with Jackson since I can't during the week.

Seriously.  How do working moms do it?

Thankful

I am feeling sentimental today.  Could be hormones.  Or could just because I am so very thankful.

I realize I wrote an entire post about my struggle and the difficulty with the first few weeks of my maternity leave.  And those feelings were all completely normal.  It was a truth about the adjustment and learning to accept the change in your entire life.  But through those feelings, you have the most beautiful face to look at.

This morning, I was watching the TV show Maternity Ward.  It is a show about the births of high risk babies, those with drug addictions, and with birth defects.  It is heartbreaking.  On this particular show, there was a little boy who was born with a malformation of his head and face.  He will need surgery by the time he is four months old.  My heart broke for that little helpless baby and the mother.  And it made me so grateful for my perfectly formed and healthy son.

I know I am biased, but I think he's pretty darn beautiful.  He has ten fingers and ten toes.  He has a wonderfully shaped head.  He has two gorgeous blue eyes.  And he's healthy. 

When you think about all those babies in this world who struggle, it makes you hold your child closer and thank God that you were given a healthy baby.  He's also a good baby.  Only cries when he's hungry, wet, overtired, or bored.  No colic, no complete sleepless nights.  He's going anywhere between 5 and 7 hours straight right now at 6 weeks old.  I will certainly take it.

He is growing so fast and eating much more now.  He's up to around 4.5 to 5 ounces per feeding.  And he's getting the cutest little baby chub on his arms and legs.  I just love to pinch it.  He's also smiling now and it melts my heart.  What is more beautiful than your baby smiling at you?  I know I said I couldn't wait until he's older and that is still true.  I am excited about what is to come but I am also sad that these days are getting shorter.  He is growing so very fast and today, I am chershing the moment of his infancy, his snuggableness, and his complete dependency on me and M.  I'm letting go of the schedule.  I am letting him be him today.  Although, he's figuring out a good schedule on his own so I am happy with that.

There are days when I think about oh, we need to get him having a mid morning nap and an afternoon nap.  What time should those be at?  And then, we need to extend his feeding times from 2.5 - 3 hours to 3.5 to 4 hours.  And then we need to figure out how many ounces.  These thoughts stress me more.  I know he will let me know and I will figure it out too.  That Baby Wise book is making me crazy.  I need to give it back to my sister in law so I don't keep cracking it open and reading about everything I'm probably doing wrong.

But am I?  He's growing, he's gaining weight, he's happy, and he's sleeping at night.  I think I'm doing okay, Baby Wise.  I don't need you telling me I'm screwing up his sleep cycle or giving into his demands too much.  He's mine.  I make the rules, book.  He's holding his head up great, he's smiling, he's cooing, he responds to noise, and he focuses and follows objects with his eyes.  He's right on track.  How could I possibly ask for more.

He's the love of my life (along with M of course).  My boys.  To see them together makes me so happy.  Jackson loves to sit with M on the couch and watch TV.  Typical boy already.  He likes to eat, sleep, fart, and watch TV.  He's clearly all boy.  I wouldn't have it any other way.

Setting Schedules

I'm a crazy person.  I like lists, plans, and schedules.  Naturally, I want a newborn baby to be right on a schedule right away.  I'm delusional, I know.

My sister in law gave me this book that describes the BabyWise way of giving your baby the gift of sleep (there is also a blog). 

From Amazon.com

It's method is to use a combination of on-demand and clock directed feedings through the best judgement of the parent called parent directed feeding.  It maintains that if you set certain times within the day, usually between 2.5 and 3 hours, you are to feed the baby, have some wake time (however much time) and put the baby down for a nap.  You are to continue this throughout the day until early evening.  You are to feed, have a possible wake time, and put the baby down.  Then you have your late evening feeding and you have no wake time and put baby down for the night.  You then let them naturally wake as opposed to waking them during the day if you need to.  The book states you can begin this cycle after two weeks.  They encourage day to follow your schedule.  I do sometimes during the day.

It's a nice a idea but a baby that young really won't stick to that sort of plan.  I do some.  I don't have specific times during the day but I try to maintain a 2.5 to 3 hour feedings based on when he wakes up in the morning and then have wake time and maybe have a nap.  This kid doesn't always want to nap.  Sometimes it's 20 minutes here and there, sometimes it's two hours in the afternoon.  And to get him to nap in his crib is a struggle.  Thankfully, he sleeps just wonderfully at night in his crib.  He's going four hours straight consistently at five weeks old.  There is usually only one middle of the night feeding anywhere between midnight and 2am.  I just wish he would nap in his crib.  One afternoon, he wouldn't go down but I was going to be darned if he wouldn't.  It took about an hour and he finally fell asleep after me standing over him with my hand on his chest and eventually swaddling him.  He slept for a good ten minutes.  Then he cried.  Then he went back to sleep!!  Success!  Next time, he needs to put himself to sleep.

My sister in law also told us their secret of the swaddle and I thought for sure this kid wouldn't go for it because he likes to sleep with his hands by his face or over his head.  Yeah, it was magic.  He was out in about .45 seconds when swaddled.  So now he is swaddled every night.

It looks like a straight jacket.

I like schedules and can't wait until the bedtime routine is bath, book, bottle, bed.  The four B's.  Someday.  I realize now he's too young.  The book guarantees that while on this plan, the baby will be sleeping 6-8 hours by weeks 7-9 and 8-10 hours by weeks 10-12.  Awesome thought and I'm doing it do a point.  There really is so much you can do with a new baby.  He makes the rules.  I just try and put my own stamp on them too.  And we're getting there.  I'm just so scared I won't get a schedule set but I know we will eventually. 

On another note, this time related to food, my crock pot has never been used more.  It is awesome to have dinner ready at night and not have to cook when you have a fussy baby on your hands.  That time of night, most babies decide they want to be cranky.  If you have the crock pot, dinner's done!  It's been a life saver.  Otherwise, M and I would be hungry and/or broke if we had to keep getting take out.

We've had tomato sauced pork chops, beef stroganoff, beef and chipotle burritos, and Mediterranean pot roast.  There will be many more.  These cook books that I never really cracked opened are now seeing the light of day.