Adjusting to a Newborn

Bringing baby home is an incredible adjustment.  You are told that it is the most amazing experience and the bond and love you immediately feel for your child will be abounding.  And it is.  That little tiny bundle of a baby works their way right into your heart.  You would do anything for this new little person and you want to protect them with every ounce of your being.  But the adjustment to life with a baby is hard.  Not every one tells you that side of things.  And you feel guilty for feeling this way.  But talking with other mothers, they all felt the same thing.

I had, and sometimes am still having, a difficult time with the complete and utter change in my life and my routine.  Nothing will ever be the same - which you are told.  But until you are living it, you have no idea just how much.  Having a newborn means hardly finding the time to brush your teeth, eat a decent meal, take a shower, or find a minute to yourself.  Yes, you can while the baby sleeps but there are other responsibilities to tend to.  There is an enormous amount of laundry now, we have a dog that still needs attention, there are bottles to wash, toilets to clean, and food to be cooked.  Juggling it all is exhausting.  And everything is so overwhelming.  You have just no idea how overwhelming it all is.  Some days it hits you like a ton of bricks.  You just feel like you're doing everything wrong, the baby is screaming and you don't know why or how to comfort them, you get a feeling of utter panic every time the baby makes a noise or you think about the sleepless night ahead of you, and sometimes you just want to shut yourself away.  If you just don't hear anything, then it's just not there.

There are also the moments of sobbing and mourning the life you had before.  Yes, life is fuller now but you do miss the freedom of the life you had before.  You can no longer just up and go out whenever you want to.  You can't even go to bathroom when you want to.  It has been difficult for me.  I am at the point where I am wanting to rush this stage in his life and get him to where he is more "fun" and interactive and sleeping through the night.  I keep asking all the mothers I know when their child finally was sleeping through the night and what their tricks or routines were at night.  I am mildly obsessed and need to take a step back.  He will eventually work it all out.  I just hope it's sooner rather than later.  I am also looking forward to those days when he's discovering things and learning things and developing his personality.  But I know I will never get these days back and will miss his little coos and snuggles that I can have anytime I want.  Someday he will push me away. 

The exhaustion is excruciating.  Everyone tells you how tired you will be but it can never prepare you.  It is punishing.  The constant feedings, the sleepless nights, the busy days.  It is extremely wearing.  You wish there was more time in the day or that the baby would nap more.  But then you think well if they're up more during the day, they will sleep better at night.  And sometimes that has proven true.  Others, not so much.  And then when your baby is screaming in pain from gas, it is heartbreaking and you cry right along with them.  You want so badly to help them and when you can't or don't know how, it is the most helpless feeling in the world.  The emotions that radiate through your body during these first few weeks and months is extreme.  Plus the hormones that are all out of balance don't help.  And you want to establish a routine and schedule right away but a new baby doesn't let you.  I am such a Type A personaility that not having a routine and feeding/waketime/napping schedule is tough on me.  Someday we'll get there.  I worry about how and if I'll do it right to set a good one and have it actually work.  Again, I hate the unknown.  I'm sure he'll help me and figure out some of these things on his own but I am so crazy that I want it now.  It is an extremely difficult time.

But then you see this face.  And in that moment, everything fades away and the love abounds.  Until the next minor breakdown that is.

Mommy brain moment of the week: 
I sat down on the couch to feed the baby.  I got all settled with the boppy pillow, bottle, and burp cloth.  Then I realized I forgot the baby.

The Pump Station

Before I begin this post, there were three things I forgot to mention in my last post.

1. The epidural makes you mad itchy. 

2. At one point during the pushing, I felt the nurse wipe my bum.  I turned to her and said "Did I just poop myself?"  She said "No."  I turn to M and ask him.  He says "I don't know.  I'm not looking!"  The nurse again says, "No really, you didn't."  I'm not sure if I believe her.  You do remember this was my biggest fear.

3.  When the doctor broke my water, nothing came out.  The baby's head was blocking it.  So they didn't know if it was clear or if it had the meconium in it.  Because of that, NICU was called in during the delivery to check the baby if there was meconium in the fluid.  Thankfully, the water that finally came out along with the baby was clear.  Nothing to fear!

Anyway, I also wrote before about my aversion to breastfeeding and I wasn't sure if I would pump or use formula.  My body made the decision for me.

After delivery, the hospital is very focused on getting you to breastfeed.  I never really wanted to do this but figured I would placate the hospital staff and give it a go in the hospital.  The nurses help you out and basically grab your boob and try to stick it into the baby's mouth.  It's pretty gross.  This went on several times during the day but Jackson really wasn't latching well.  Which was fine with me.  So I asked the nurse if I could try pumping.  This would also help my milk to come in.

On the first day, the militant grump lactation consultant came into my room.  She made me show her my boobs and instructed me on how to massage them.  I was to massage them for five minutes, express a little milk with my hands, and then feed the baby.  Afterwards, I was to have skin to skin contact with the baby as this helps the milk to come in too.  She was very adamant that this was what should be done.  Then she looked at the baby's chart and goes "Why did he get a bottle?!"  I was like because he was hungry and I don't have anything in me to give him right now.  She was like he's not even 24 hours old, he doesn't need to eat yet.  I was like ok.  She left soon after that.  My nurse was in the room at the time and just told me that she's very strict and to not pay attention to her.  I did not like her.

The next day, I tried the pumping and was getting nothing.  The nurse was even a little surprised.  That day's lactation consultant came in and she just sat down, asked me a few questions and that was it.  I tried pumping several times that day and always came out dry.

Since the baby wasn't latching on his own, I was written a prescription for a pump and my insurance covered 100% of the cost.  Score!  I got to take a brand new free pump home.  I was pumped.  He he.  Bad joke.

On my last day in the hospital, the nicest lactation consultant came in while I was trying to pump.  She saw I was getting nothing and she said "Honey, the most important thing is to take care of your baby and to make sure he's fed.  It doesn't matter where it's coming from."  I needed to hear this so badly.  She stayed and talked with M and I for quite a while and made me feel so much better.  She also showed a trick to calm the baby.  He was fussy and all swaddled up.  She said may I show you something?  She unwrapped him so that his hands were free and he put them to his face and he calmed down.  She said while in the womb, their hands are near their faces and it soothes them.  It was wonderful.  Jackson's hands are now always free.  He does not like to be all swaddled up.

When we got home, I continued to try and pump every three hours or so for twenty minutes in a make shift pump station in my bathroom.  I even moved to the nursery to be closer to the baby and sometimes in the living room so I could watch TV.  Pumping is boring.  I did this for almost two weeks.  I drank tons of water, did warm compresses, and yes, even massaged.  I wanted to be able to give my son breast milk.  I was able to produce the colostrum which is extremely important so Jackson did get that.  Sometimes during a pumping session, I would get  little bit, once about a half ounce.  But this only occurred this one time.  I would either get drops or the bottles would be dry.  It was extremely frustrating and disappointing.

I never realized how badly I wanted to give my baby breast milk until I couldn't.  I tried and tried.  I would sit there and cry thinking I can't even produce the one thing my baby needs most.  What kind of mother am I?  I would begin feeling so inadequate and a failure.  Along with the hormonal change, I was a wreck and was fearing I was developing a mild case of postpartum.  It was really messing with my head.

After a long conversation with one of my closest girlfriends, I decided to stop the pumping.  She told me Noelle, it's not worth it.  Your baby will get everything he needs with formula and it's ok.  It's ok to stop.  It's ok to give him formula.  It's ok.  I just needed someone to tell me it was really ok.  M told me to stop as well.  Once the decision was made, I felt so much better and that pressure was gone.  It also freed up a lot more time as you become a slave to that pump.  I dread the cost of formula but it can't be helped.  I do hear the generic brands are just as good as the name brands so we will look into that.

I still wish I could have produced for my son.  But really, at the end of the day, he is fed, he is loved, and he is growing healthy.  That's all that matters.

Things I Didn't Know About Labor and Delivery

I can't believe that as of tomorrow, two weeks have gone by since I delivered my little boy.  Two weeks!  Time flies. I am enjoying this time with my cuddly little guy but am also looking forward to him developing his own personality and discovering the world.  That part will be so much fun.

I think the little guy is suffering from a lot of gas right now.  He burps and farts quite often.  And he's loud at both.  Sometimes he's inconsolable for a little bit until the gas gets out and then he crashes.  I have switched to a formula for fussiness and gas and I'm hoping that works.  Yes formula.  That is another post on it's own.

So I was told all about labor and delivery from all kinds of people.  Each had their own story and now I have mine.  Most people liked to tell about the pain and joy that comes along with it.  But no one told me about what comes after.  I will now do all those expectant mothers a favor. 

These are all things that occurred after I delivered Jackson.  Some I semi-knew about, others I did not.

1. Drugs really do wear off.  I always thought yeah right, you're hooked up to the IV.  Well, sometimes you need the drugs supplemented with more than what comes through the IV in your back.  I also didn't know that when you are administered the IV, you have to drink the nastiest shot of liquid antacid.  It tasted like a rancid Sweet-Tart.  They also give you a button to give you more of the drugs.  I asked if I could OD myself.  They said I couldn't.

2.  The nurse just put those hideous socks on me.  I thought I would have a choice.  I would have preferred bare feet to those.

3. At one point, I was feeling the contractions on one side of my body.  So they had me lay on that side until the drugs took the pain away from that side.

4. Laboring can be boring.  I laid in that bed from 10:30am until 10:15pm just waiting and waiting.

5.  I asked the nurse at one point, "My bum is numb.  Is that normal?"  She said yes but can you wiggle your toes?  Thankfully I could.  Risk of paralysis and all by having a needle stuck into your spine.  I also asked no cathetar?  What if I have to pee?  Will I pee myself?  She said no but I will check you and empty your bladder for you.  Also humiliating.

6. I was starving the entire time.  I could only have liquid once hooked up to the drugs.

7.  Pushing sucks.  It made my eyes feel like they were going to pop out of my head.

8. Sometimes I felt the nurse wasn't paying attention so I just started pushing when the contractions started.  Didn't know I would have to take my own delivery into my own hands.

9.  The nurse just took my hand at one point and was like "Feel his head!"  Not sure I wanted that to happen but I guess it was cool.  Next time, ask me first.

10.  The baby FINALLY came out and he was placed on my chest.  So many things going on in my head.  Mostly "Thank God he's here!"  "Yay, I'm not pregnant anymore"  and "Holy S*%! that hurt!"

11.  Once the baby was out, I was administered a local into my you know what so they could finish up some business down there.  At one point I saw the needle and stitches. 

12.  They push on your uterus after delivery.  That was ALMOST as painful as delivery.  It was awful.  I asked the nurse to stop but she said she had to to get my uterus to contract and begin going down.  She did it several times and it was excruciating.  Some of the worst pain of my life when she was doing that.

13.  After some amazing bonding time, the nurse says ok, before you go to the postpartum unit, you need to walk and go to the bathroom.  She has me sit up slowly, put my legs over the edge of the bed, and stand up.  Then she walks me to the bathroom.  Side note: As we're walking, she says "Wow, you are small."  Anyway, she says OK, we need to make sure you can pee.  There is little measuring thing in the toilet for you to pee in so they can see how much you go.  Well, pee I did.  I almost overflowed the thing.  It was all red and I asked, is that normal?  Of course it was.

14.  Not done in the bathroom yet!  Oh no.  She shows me this squirt bottle and tells me each time I use the bathroom, I will need to fill it up and squirt it on myself.  She demonstrates and does it for me.  Humiliating. Then tells me to pat dry. Then she shows me the world's thickest maxi pad and says you will need one of these, and one of these huge pad like ice packs.  So, she gives me these hospital underpants and puts the pad in, then the ice pack.  Then she says you also need to put a layer of Tucks pads and an antiseptic cream.  So she puts that all on and helps me into the underwear.  I continued the rest of my hospital stay with a cold mattress between my legs.  I did not know the extent of this aspect.  And every time I went to the bathroom, it would take me about ten minutes.  I would be in bed and think I have to pee but do I really want to?  It was a gross feeling.

15.  Lactation consultants can be militant grumps or super nice mother figures.  Guess which one I like better?
16. The rotation of nurses were great. Each one though offered their own opinions on what to do with the baby. Some was helpful but it also just confused me.

17. I wasn't in very much pain after delivery as everyone said I would be. I only took the pain killers for the first day. After, I didn't need any. The nurses were like really? It really didn't hurt.

18.  They give you Colace so you do number two.  And they want to know when you do your first one after delivery.  Awesome thing to tell your nurse when it happens.

19. The morning nurse the day after delivery told me I might throw up the first thing I eat.  I was going to get a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich but decided to get pancakes.  I figured if I was going to get sick, it must not be bacon.  And of course, I didn't get sick.  So the next two mornings, I ordered the breakfast sandwich.  The last day, my bacon, egg, and cheese showed up as an extra bacon and cheese sandwich.  Mistake or small miracle?  I'll let you decide.

20.  They continue to push on your abdomen throughout your stay.  Luckily, the pain decreases each time.  And they check your bum.  So much indecency they put you through.

This is my long list of good time fun after you deliver your baby.  Sorry for the TMI.

Never Made It to 40 Weeks

Well folks, I never made it to 40 weeks.  The little guy decided to come three days early which was perfectly fine with me.  If anyone is interested, the 40 week vegetable was a small pumpkin.  Eeeks.  Glad he came early.

I am sitting down while I have a few quiet minutes while the baby is sleeping but thought I would share the story of his arrival.

About four days before his arrival, I was at work and had a feeling that I might not be back so I packed up my personal things.  The night I went into labor, I said to M as we were falling asleep that something felt different and I was feeling anxious.  That night, I woke up at 1am with the first contractions.  I was able to fall back asleep until about 3am when the contractions got stronger.  They were still about 10-15 minutes apart so I got up and walked around the house.  M woke up around 5am and was like should I go to work?  I was like I don't know.  I think this is the real thing.  About an hour later, the contractions were coming about five minutes apart and I decided that I would call my doctor when the office opened at 8am.  As an aside, we had an ultrasound scheduled in Boston at 10:30am to check my fluid levels as they were low and we were told to pack the car before this appointment in case they said go across the street to the hospital.

At 8am, I called my doctor's office and they said come in right now.  M and I went, the NP checked me and said oh yes, you are in labor.  Go to the hospital.  So off we went.

At this point, I was in significant pain and it was all in my back.  The ride through the bumpy roads of Boston were excruciating. I tried to lift myself off the seat with one hand while holding the handle above the car door.  It was extremely painful.

We arrive to the hospital, check in, and sit and wait to be called by my labor and delivery nurse.  She was wonderful and set me all up in my room with my IVs (which resulted in quite the bleeder) and was with me through the beginning of labor until her shift ended.  She was also there for the epidural.  Which folks, is magic.  While it lasts, mind you.

I labored until about 7:30pm when I began to feel some of the contractions and asked my new nurse if I could have another dose.  She said sure but the doctor wants to check you first.  The doctor that had been there all day came in and checked me and said oh, we're ready!  You're at 10cm so we're going to start pushing so no more epidural meds because we need you to be able to feel some of the pushing.  I was like Ok, I got this.  I'll get the kid out in 30 mins.  Unfortunately, the doctor that had been with me all day had to leave as her shift ended at 8pm so she got me through the first few pushes and another doctor took over.  She was also wonderful.  Side note: Teaching hospitals are wonderful but when you have random people walking into your room while you're mid pushing is disturbing.  Especially when the door is located at the left of the foot of the bed so they walk in and boom, full frontal.

Anyway, the nurse, doctor, and a fourth year student got me through the labor.  And it was labor let me tell you.  I pushed for an hour and a half (if not more) and the epidural slowly wore off during this time.  The last half hour was agony.  I felt every contraction, push, pressure, and felt the entire baby leave my body.  The contractions came one right after the other and I would just start pushing on my own when I felt it because I just wanted the baby out.  The doctor kept saying next one, next one!  Except that it wasn't.  I kept watching the clock at the foot of my bed hoping I wouldn't see another minute pass.

But finally, at 9:22pm on July 2, 2012, my son was on my chest.  And he was beautiful.  The doctors took care of the rest of the business and M held our boy until the doctor's were done with me and I could sit up.  The first time he was in my arms was the best moment of my life and one I will never forget.  I won't forget the pain either even though everyone says I will.  It was worth it, but I won't forget.

He is perfect and we're figuring things out.  M has been a DREAM.  He's been cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, running errands for me getting super awesome stuff that I need for certain areas, feeding the baby, changing the baby, holding the baby, and just being the best Dad ever.  We're both so infatuated with him and could look at him all day.  I know I'm biased, but he is the cutest little thing ever. 

Jackson Connor

July 2, 2012

9:22 pm

6lbs 12oz

19.25 inches

I don't know how often I'll be checking in here but I hope to when I can.  The guy is fussing so time go!