22 Weeks

I wrote before about my biggest fear of labor and delivery.  I am now having irrational and bad thoughts about the actually going into labor part.  Where will I be?  What if I'm at home, alone, and my water breaks and the baby comes out while I'm crying in my house with the dog watching in confusion and horror?  What if it happens at home, during rush hour, and we don't make it to the hospital and M has to deliver the baby in the car in the breakdown lane of 93?  Or we get escorted by the police to the hospital?  What if my water breaks in the car?  Or while in bed all over the mattress?  That's gotta be a huge mess.  What if I go into labor, not realize it, and wait too long to call the doctor and go to the hospital?  I don't want to be the crazy that calls the doctor with the slightest pain but what if I don't and that really was labor?  What if I get to the hospital and it's too late to get the epidural?!  AHH!

Clearly I am afraid I won't make it to the hospital where I can get the drugs.  Best scenario - I am induced.  No worries about going into labor, not getting the drugs, and there is a planned date.  That's another thing about me.  I am a control freak and this pregnancy is something I cannot control and it's throwing me all out of whack.  I do not like the feeling of not being in control or not having a plan.  If I have a scheduled induction, I would have a plan and a date and this would comfort me.  I'm sort of banking on the fact that I am small and there really will come a point where there is just no more room for the baby and he will need to come out.  I've read places where it's so much better to go naturally or it's selfish on the mother's part to go this route and I say damn right.  I've carried this baby for nine months, endured the nausea, fatigue, bloating, gastric unmentionables, stretching skin, weight gain, countless punches and kicks to the abdomen, shortness of breath, dizziness, near fainting, food aversions, heartburn, indigestion, acid reflux, and back pain.  I believe I've earned the right to tell somebody to get this baby out of me.  I would never want this earlier than was medically safe for the baby so relax people, but if the baby is full grown, check me in!  Get him out.

I realize the odds of me delivering this baby in my own home or in the car are extremely low but it's all I can think of lately.  Now that I am more than half way there and each week that goes by is one more closer to birthing this baby, I am getting nervous.  That's only natural, I suppose.

But I am also extremely excited to go into labor because that means I will be able to finally see, smell, and hold my son in my arms.  I cannot wait for that day.

Baby at 22 weeks is now almost one pound in weight and 11 inches long - about the length of a spaghetti squash!

Eyes, lips, and eyebrows are more distinct and tiny tooth buds are developing beneath his gums.  His eyes have formed but the irises of the eyes still do not have color yet.  Fine hair called lanugo covers his body and he has deep wrinkles until he gets enough fat to flatten out those wrinkles!  His pancreas is also developing steadily.


How I'm feeling: Mentally and emotionally, I am freaking out.  I am scared, nervous, excited, happy, anxious, and overwhelmed.  Physically, I'm feeling pretty good.  There was some more heartburn this week.

Pregnancy notes: I find myself rubbing my belly way more than I ever thought I would.

The belly button is gone.

I don't need drama.

18 more weeks!

Food cravings and notes: I was unchaperoned and unsupervised.  I went to the grocery store and bought ice cream, jimmies, Doritos, and Stouffer's Mac and Cheese.  I was embarrassed, disgusted, and indifferent all at the same time.  A pregnant girl should not be allowed in a grocery store by herself.  Note: I did not eat all of these things that same night.

Doctor's Visit: None