First Day of School!

Baby J had his first day of school!  Really, it was day care but he had a blast!  Look at that face above.  His teacher was holding him and I just had to snap a photo before I left.  Look at the fleece vest.  Baby clothes are so cute!  There were overalls under this vest.  But when I picked him up, he was in a different outfit.  There was a minor explosion.  Way to inaugurate the day care staff to your baby tending needs, Baby J!

I did good and only called once!  I called at lunchtime and of course, he was doing just great!  He did tummy time, sang songs in circle group, and they talked about favorite colors.  This cracks me up.  As long as he had fun!  He slept for about an hour and a half total there and did full feedings.  The little guy was wiped out. He went down at 8:30 and slept straight through until 6:30.  This is typical.  What is not typical is the no waking up making noises.  Usually he does this once or twice.  I didn't hear a squeak out of him all night.  This was very good.

He is the first one there in the mornings so they did his first feeding so I could just change him and get out the door in the morning.  He gets some great one on one time which I'm happy about.  It makes me sad though he is the last one to be picked up at the end of the day. :(

So day one was a success!  I know it will just get better.

He's also representin' Mama's work.  Boo yeah.

Date Night!

M and I had our first date night since the little guy was born.  It was also our seven year wedding anniversary and it was glorious.  It was so nice to get out, have a glass of wine, and have a nice relaxing dinner that someone else cooked and cleaned up.  I wore a dress and heels even!  M's mom (Nana) came over and looked after Jackson for us.  She fed him and put him to bed even so all we had to do when we got home was get ourselves into bed.   It was wonderful.

We went to one of our favorite places - Cafe Escadrille.  We had reservations for The Gourmet Room and it is always an excellent dining experience.  We have gone to the regular restaurant portion but prefer the atmosphere in this dining room.  There is exceptional, attentive service and the food has never disappointed.  They have some old school dining ideas like preparing salads, some entrees and desserts tableside.  You can watch your food being prepared.  The waitstaff prepares these items and there is even sorbet between appetizers and entree to cleanse your palette. 

Disclaimer: Photos taken with my phone.

Here is what we got:

Rhode Island Style Calamari.  Delicious.

M got a bowl of clam chowder.  One of the best clam chowders.  Ever.

The aforementioned sorbet.  It was lemon.

My entree was a pound of Baked Alaskan King Crab Legs with drawn butter.  A.M.A.Z.I.N.G.  There was not a bite left.

M got the Veal Oscar.  This entree was prepared tableside.  Our server seered the medallions, made the sauce, and put together the entire dish with lobster tail and asparagus.  She cooked the veal to perfection.

Tableside preparation

After this meal, we were stuffed but still wanted dessert.  We got it to go.  M got the Pumpkin Cheesecake and I got the special of a trio of Mini Whoopie Pies.  There was traditional, red velvet, and pumpkin.  The pumpkin was the best.  The others were a little dry to be honest.  The cheesecake was delicious, however.  Sorry, no photo.  We ate these on the couch, in our jammies, when we got home.

And now, I go back to work tomorrow.  It was such a wonderful, amazing summer with my newborn son.

Almost Over

This is the beginning of the last week of my maternity leave.  I am sad but am also looking forward to it.  These weeks have been wonderful and also difficult.  I wrote of the hard times I experienced but they were also weeks of wonderful bonding with my son.  I am going to take this last week and grab hold of everything I can and to take him all in.  And next Tuesday, I am going to look forward to going back to work.

The first five weeks or so seemed like they were never going to be over.  I wanted to rush through them.  They were difficult for many reasons.  All of a sudden, all twelve weeks are almost over.  I look back and remember just how little he was.  He has grown and developed so much and it was amazing to spend this time with him.  There were so many fun times but honestly, some days were boring.

I do not think I could be a stay at home mom.  Once, I thought I could.  Now, I think I need the outlet.  I need my job.  It is something I am confident in and know how to do.  Those first few weeks with my son, I was not confident and had no idea what I was doing.  Some days, I still don't.  At work, I know what needs to be done.

I need a chance to miss my son.  We both need the time away.  I love spending my time with him but when you do tummy time for the umpteenth time in the day you realize that you need something else.  And you need to start enjoying these play times.  When you do them constantly, they do not seem as special.  When I come home from work, I will sit on the floor with him while on tummy time and play and coo right along with him.  It will be good for both me and him.  So I need some time away.

Many people have asked if I will be going back to work or staying home.  I tell them I will be returning to work.  Some have given me a sad look and say "Really?  That's too bad." I find it inappropriate for people to make a mother feel guilty about going back to work and providing support to her family.  We feel sad enough.  But we know that the separation is good and the socialization my son will get at daycare will only benefit him.

This is not to say that dropping him off at day care will be easy.  It won't.  But I know it's good for him.  And I know it's good for me.  They can give him this play time that I have honestly gotten a little bored with these past few weeks.  I need them to be fun for me again.  But for this week, I am going to enjoy them to the fullest.  We will go to story time, we will play on the floor, we will go for walks, and we will snuggle.  Next week, I will begin the next phase of a working mom. 

How do you do it?

I have been filling out the paperwork and enrollment forms for Jackson's childcare.  There are so many questions and information you need to provide which I think is great.  They want to know all kinds of things about your child and where they are developmentally.  I will be going to the daycare in the next couple of weeks for Jackson to meet the teachers and to go over all of the things I need to provide (like formula, diapers, clothing, crib sheets, etc).  I am getting nervous and so sad.  My maternity leave and bonding time is almost over.  Four more weeks.  Where did this time go?

I am excited to get back to work and to have more "brain" activity.  I'm not sure my personality is built to be a stay at home mom.  I need activity, I need to use my brain, and I need to get out of the house (not that you can't do these things with a child).  But the thought of being away from my little guy every day makes me want to burst into tears.  How do you do it?

That first morning when I drop him off, I know I will sob the entire drive into work.  Note to self: Bring make up so I can reapply when I get to the office.  I know he will be well cared for and it will do nothing to break the bond I have with him.  I have just spent every day of the past eight weeks with him and will do the same for the next four.  While there were many days, especially at the beginning that were excruciating, to not be with him all day will be so hard. I won't see the things he does everyday.  I won't hear his little noises and coos.  I won't be able to just watch him sleep.  I will miss him terribly.

I also know it will be good  for him.  He will begin socializing with other babies and adults.  He will have structured activity and sleep time.  This is good.  Just how do you easily leave your child with people you don't know? 

And then by the time I pick him up, he will need to eat, be played with a little, and then it will be time for bed.  Not much time.  When do M and I fit dinner in?  Will the dog get walked?  Will I be able to cook?  I'm not sure how I can do it all.  And the morning.  Do I get up earlier to get myself ready and then the baby up, fed, and clothed?  Or do I just change him and leave the feeding up to daycare?  I guess it depends on when he wakes up.  I realize M can help but with his job, it is almost impossible.  That's another story all on it's own.  When do I clean my house?  Weekends?  I don't want to.  I am going to want to spend as much time as I can with Jackson since I can't during the week.

Seriously.  How do working moms do it?

Thankful

I am feeling sentimental today.  Could be hormones.  Or could just because I am so very thankful.

I realize I wrote an entire post about my struggle and the difficulty with the first few weeks of my maternity leave.  And those feelings were all completely normal.  It was a truth about the adjustment and learning to accept the change in your entire life.  But through those feelings, you have the most beautiful face to look at.

This morning, I was watching the TV show Maternity Ward.  It is a show about the births of high risk babies, those with drug addictions, and with birth defects.  It is heartbreaking.  On this particular show, there was a little boy who was born with a malformation of his head and face.  He will need surgery by the time he is four months old.  My heart broke for that little helpless baby and the mother.  And it made me so grateful for my perfectly formed and healthy son.

I know I am biased, but I think he's pretty darn beautiful.  He has ten fingers and ten toes.  He has a wonderfully shaped head.  He has two gorgeous blue eyes.  And he's healthy. 

When you think about all those babies in this world who struggle, it makes you hold your child closer and thank God that you were given a healthy baby.  He's also a good baby.  Only cries when he's hungry, wet, overtired, or bored.  No colic, no complete sleepless nights.  He's going anywhere between 5 and 7 hours straight right now at 6 weeks old.  I will certainly take it.

He is growing so fast and eating much more now.  He's up to around 4.5 to 5 ounces per feeding.  And he's getting the cutest little baby chub on his arms and legs.  I just love to pinch it.  He's also smiling now and it melts my heart.  What is more beautiful than your baby smiling at you?  I know I said I couldn't wait until he's older and that is still true.  I am excited about what is to come but I am also sad that these days are getting shorter.  He is growing so very fast and today, I am chershing the moment of his infancy, his snuggableness, and his complete dependency on me and M.  I'm letting go of the schedule.  I am letting him be him today.  Although, he's figuring out a good schedule on his own so I am happy with that.

There are days when I think about oh, we need to get him having a mid morning nap and an afternoon nap.  What time should those be at?  And then, we need to extend his feeding times from 2.5 - 3 hours to 3.5 to 4 hours.  And then we need to figure out how many ounces.  These thoughts stress me more.  I know he will let me know and I will figure it out too.  That Baby Wise book is making me crazy.  I need to give it back to my sister in law so I don't keep cracking it open and reading about everything I'm probably doing wrong.

But am I?  He's growing, he's gaining weight, he's happy, and he's sleeping at night.  I think I'm doing okay, Baby Wise.  I don't need you telling me I'm screwing up his sleep cycle or giving into his demands too much.  He's mine.  I make the rules, book.  He's holding his head up great, he's smiling, he's cooing, he responds to noise, and he focuses and follows objects with his eyes.  He's right on track.  How could I possibly ask for more.

He's the love of my life (along with M of course).  My boys.  To see them together makes me so happy.  Jackson loves to sit with M on the couch and watch TV.  Typical boy already.  He likes to eat, sleep, fart, and watch TV.  He's clearly all boy.  I wouldn't have it any other way.

Setting Schedules

I'm a crazy person.  I like lists, plans, and schedules.  Naturally, I want a newborn baby to be right on a schedule right away.  I'm delusional, I know.

My sister in law gave me this book that describes the BabyWise way of giving your baby the gift of sleep (there is also a blog). 

From Amazon.com

It's method is to use a combination of on-demand and clock directed feedings through the best judgement of the parent called parent directed feeding.  It maintains that if you set certain times within the day, usually between 2.5 and 3 hours, you are to feed the baby, have some wake time (however much time) and put the baby down for a nap.  You are to continue this throughout the day until early evening.  You are to feed, have a possible wake time, and put the baby down.  Then you have your late evening feeding and you have no wake time and put baby down for the night.  You then let them naturally wake as opposed to waking them during the day if you need to.  The book states you can begin this cycle after two weeks.  They encourage day to follow your schedule.  I do sometimes during the day.

It's a nice a idea but a baby that young really won't stick to that sort of plan.  I do some.  I don't have specific times during the day but I try to maintain a 2.5 to 3 hour feedings based on when he wakes up in the morning and then have wake time and maybe have a nap.  This kid doesn't always want to nap.  Sometimes it's 20 minutes here and there, sometimes it's two hours in the afternoon.  And to get him to nap in his crib is a struggle.  Thankfully, he sleeps just wonderfully at night in his crib.  He's going four hours straight consistently at five weeks old.  There is usually only one middle of the night feeding anywhere between midnight and 2am.  I just wish he would nap in his crib.  One afternoon, he wouldn't go down but I was going to be darned if he wouldn't.  It took about an hour and he finally fell asleep after me standing over him with my hand on his chest and eventually swaddling him.  He slept for a good ten minutes.  Then he cried.  Then he went back to sleep!!  Success!  Next time, he needs to put himself to sleep.

My sister in law also told us their secret of the swaddle and I thought for sure this kid wouldn't go for it because he likes to sleep with his hands by his face or over his head.  Yeah, it was magic.  He was out in about .45 seconds when swaddled.  So now he is swaddled every night.

It looks like a straight jacket.

I like schedules and can't wait until the bedtime routine is bath, book, bottle, bed.  The four B's.  Someday.  I realize now he's too young.  The book guarantees that while on this plan, the baby will be sleeping 6-8 hours by weeks 7-9 and 8-10 hours by weeks 10-12.  Awesome thought and I'm doing it do a point.  There really is so much you can do with a new baby.  He makes the rules.  I just try and put my own stamp on them too.  And we're getting there.  I'm just so scared I won't get a schedule set but I know we will eventually. 

On another note, this time related to food, my crock pot has never been used more.  It is awesome to have dinner ready at night and not have to cook when you have a fussy baby on your hands.  That time of night, most babies decide they want to be cranky.  If you have the crock pot, dinner's done!  It's been a life saver.  Otherwise, M and I would be hungry and/or broke if we had to keep getting take out.

We've had tomato sauced pork chops, beef stroganoff, beef and chipotle burritos, and Mediterranean pot roast.  There will be many more.  These cook books that I never really cracked opened are now seeing the light of day.

Adjusting to a Newborn

Bringing baby home is an incredible adjustment.  You are told that it is the most amazing experience and the bond and love you immediately feel for your child will be abounding.  And it is.  That little tiny bundle of a baby works their way right into your heart.  You would do anything for this new little person and you want to protect them with every ounce of your being.  But the adjustment to life with a baby is hard.  Not every one tells you that side of things.  And you feel guilty for feeling this way.  But talking with other mothers, they all felt the same thing.

I had, and sometimes am still having, a difficult time with the complete and utter change in my life and my routine.  Nothing will ever be the same - which you are told.  But until you are living it, you have no idea just how much.  Having a newborn means hardly finding the time to brush your teeth, eat a decent meal, take a shower, or find a minute to yourself.  Yes, you can while the baby sleeps but there are other responsibilities to tend to.  There is an enormous amount of laundry now, we have a dog that still needs attention, there are bottles to wash, toilets to clean, and food to be cooked.  Juggling it all is exhausting.  And everything is so overwhelming.  You have just no idea how overwhelming it all is.  Some days it hits you like a ton of bricks.  You just feel like you're doing everything wrong, the baby is screaming and you don't know why or how to comfort them, you get a feeling of utter panic every time the baby makes a noise or you think about the sleepless night ahead of you, and sometimes you just want to shut yourself away.  If you just don't hear anything, then it's just not there.

There are also the moments of sobbing and mourning the life you had before.  Yes, life is fuller now but you do miss the freedom of the life you had before.  You can no longer just up and go out whenever you want to.  You can't even go to bathroom when you want to.  It has been difficult for me.  I am at the point where I am wanting to rush this stage in his life and get him to where he is more "fun" and interactive and sleeping through the night.  I keep asking all the mothers I know when their child finally was sleeping through the night and what their tricks or routines were at night.  I am mildly obsessed and need to take a step back.  He will eventually work it all out.  I just hope it's sooner rather than later.  I am also looking forward to those days when he's discovering things and learning things and developing his personality.  But I know I will never get these days back and will miss his little coos and snuggles that I can have anytime I want.  Someday he will push me away. 

The exhaustion is excruciating.  Everyone tells you how tired you will be but it can never prepare you.  It is punishing.  The constant feedings, the sleepless nights, the busy days.  It is extremely wearing.  You wish there was more time in the day or that the baby would nap more.  But then you think well if they're up more during the day, they will sleep better at night.  And sometimes that has proven true.  Others, not so much.  And then when your baby is screaming in pain from gas, it is heartbreaking and you cry right along with them.  You want so badly to help them and when you can't or don't know how, it is the most helpless feeling in the world.  The emotions that radiate through your body during these first few weeks and months is extreme.  Plus the hormones that are all out of balance don't help.  And you want to establish a routine and schedule right away but a new baby doesn't let you.  I am such a Type A personaility that not having a routine and feeding/waketime/napping schedule is tough on me.  Someday we'll get there.  I worry about how and if I'll do it right to set a good one and have it actually work.  Again, I hate the unknown.  I'm sure he'll help me and figure out some of these things on his own but I am so crazy that I want it now.  It is an extremely difficult time.

But then you see this face.  And in that moment, everything fades away and the love abounds.  Until the next minor breakdown that is.

Mommy brain moment of the week: 
I sat down on the couch to feed the baby.  I got all settled with the boppy pillow, bottle, and burp cloth.  Then I realized I forgot the baby.